Do it anyway!

I love studying temperaments, personality types, child psychology, how people tick. I think the temperaments have given me a lot of insight into dealing with my husband, kids - and myself! It gives me a guideline for understanding and improving communications as well as problem solving. It also helps me to understand my own strengths and weaknesses, and work within those.

At the same time, ever since I went through that program for anxiety, I've had a new perspective on the labels we write for ourselves and the boxes we place ourselves into. While I DO want to play to my strengths, using those to become the best version of who God created me to be, at the same time I never want to use my weaknesses or perceived weaknesses as excuses not to grow. In fact, if there are things I feel I am averse to doing, when the opportunity arises, or sometimes even of my own accord I make a point of doing that very thing on purpose. Because the more I step out of my box, the less fear has a hold on me. The less I pigeon-hole myself, the more well-rounded as a person I can become, and the more I open myself to God's unexpected gifts of grace.

To explain what exactly I mean by this, here are a few examples of some different areas in which I have tried to step out of my comfort zone on purpose:

performance anxiety: teaching, sports - I have a lot of anxiety about situations where others might have their attention on me. I even get nervous having to open presents in front of people! Even though I got nervous before EVERY single practice and game, I played soccer from gradeschool through college, basketball, volleyball, softball and field hockey. I was also in several school plays. I also get nervous before teaching, although once I get started I am fine and I love to teach. I taught K5 for 3 years, after school Spanish, Subbing, private tutoring, and now this year am teaching 1st grade religious ed. I don't know if I will ever get to a point where I don't feel slighly nervous beforehand, but I don't care and I will continue teaching and playing sports, because the joy and benefits outweigh the fear! :)

Open-ended prayer (in group setting): when we were first training to facilitate our small faith sharing group, the woman who led/trained us asked me to close the group in prayer. I basically told her that "I don't do that"- i have trouble thinking on my feet and do better in writing. Well she persisted, and I am so glad she did, because once I broke that barrier, I found other times to practice, and I now LOVE praying in that manner, especially with my own children!! It's not like they could hear the mental prayer I have in my head with God, so this is really important for modelling how to talk to God! `1`

public speaking: well, I think I will never get over this one, but I FORCE myself once in a while to do this, just because. It usually ends with my hands and voice shaking, but oh well! :)

social anxiety: I have a super hard time just going up to people and starting a conversation, but with forced practice this has gotten a LOT better for me. I try to focus outward on the other person/people who are probably usually feeling just as awkward as I am, and as a result, life as a mom is a lot less lonely! After having kids I had to reallllly stretch myself in this regard, and I was proud of myself for starting a neighborhood playgroup when Barbara and Jimmy were very small, which became a lifeline for a lot of us, and we still keep in touch and have moms nights. Now that I have a mindset of evangelization, I realize even more how critical this is. When I focus on how shy I feel, I'm blinded to the needs of others who are in need of Christ's light and in need of community. I may have found authentic community with other moms, but there are so many other moms out there still lonely and looking for a place to fit in, so I want to try to be aware of that and always be welcoming and friendly instead of resting in my comfortable circle.

entertaining: I have always felt lacking as a hostess. I'm sure this stems from the fact that we didn't entertain much growing up, with 8 kids and a small house. Having people over meant a panic of full day, full contact cleaning. I still remember the feeling of horror when my first boyfriend called to say he was going to bike over from his mansion in Elm Grove to see me and meet my burgeoning family at our house on the corner of 58th and Garfield. I rallied my siblings to try to help me do a quick overhaul and whip the house into at least some semblance of a presentable shape! Even still, I think he was in shock- he thought I lived in the near ghetto- ( yeah, sure "the slums of Wauwatosa" I later teased.)

As an adult, I do keep my house reasonably clean - as much as you can do so in 1200 sq feet with four kids. So I don't necessarily worry about that, but I used to feel very insecure as a hostess. Now I have done it enough that I do feel at ease for the most part. I am still a scatterbrain, so I just recognize that and do as much as I can beforehand so I can just focus on being with guests once they arrive, and as a result I've come to really enjoy having people over. Another factor in why I used to fear entertaining is that I had a friend who made me feel like my house was not good enough, and that it was too small for having people over. It was silly of me to listen to this negativity, but I did. I went from hosting playgroups and playdates quite regularly to rarely hosting anything. When I finally let go of her criticism and started to really focus on the things I really loved about my home and the space of welcome it could be and was to my own family, it was so freeing!

cooking: Cooking, like gardening, is not something I have a natural inclination towards. But of course when you have a family and kids and you are living on one salary, it is a great help to be able to make many things homemade. So I have learned, and it has really blessed my family to be able to cook, even if I will never be the world's next Rachel Ray! I may not enjoy cooking very much, but I do enjoy spending time with my kids creating, or seeing them enjoy a healthy meal. I do know many other moms who "don't cook" and while it is tempting sometimes to wish I could afford to "not cook", I know I would never trade away our homecooked family meals. (well at least not EVERY day- haha!)

I just feel that the more I restrict myself in what I do or don't do, or in what I think I am or am not, the more I restrict God's graces from being able to work on me in new and unforeseen ways. I'm sure many/most of you do this naturally and don't need a blog post to tell you this, but for melancholics like me, who like to feel in control and have a fear of failure, it can be very frightening to step out on a limb. But I know that for me that for every baby step out I've taken, God has been right there to catch me and lift me up, past where I could have climbed on my own.

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." (Isaiah 41-13)

So, if you are at all like me and have things that nag at you that you just "aren't good at" then maybe you will take a chance, invite the Holy Spirit to help, and just do it anyway!! :) I know I am happier for at least trying! :)