Piecing it together...

About 4 hours ago, after my husband had finally come home from work, and I was at the end of my last shred of a string off the rope of sanity. (OK maybe that's exaggerating, but close...) I announced that I decided something- I just wasn't going to sew the gift I had been planning to make for my little nieces baptism on Sunday. "Um, OK..." said my husband, not really understanding why this was a big deal.

I had spent the day shopping for necessary winter items like coats and shoes with two very uncooperative shoppers - make that three- (I get pretty overwhelmed by shopping myself), as well as making all kinds of homemade props and scrounging up items for four Halloween costumes and 3 Saint costumes, making dinner from a pretty much empty pantry/fridge, all while trying to placate a VERY whiny, crabby toddler (Leo) and his rambunctious brother AND making sure to get the house clean for our visitors. I still needed to go on a huge shopping trip, because in the morning we will be going to a party and our visitors will have arrived (with Robbie & Leo) when we get back. I just didn't think it would be humanly possible to also then sew a prayer book for my niece, as much as I really, really wanted to make it myself for her. I decided I'd just have to sneak out to the Marian center tomorrow and buy something.

I went out with my two super helpful older kids on our massive Aldi trip. The pantry had been down to a skeletal state, I had to buy food for entertaining and for the coming week, snacks for school etc, and Halloween candy. When I got home and my husband dared to question the (yes, enormous) total, I lost it and had a little crying fit. My sweet husband realized that I was (obviously) stressed out and talked me through. And once I chilled out, realized that half the stress I had been placing on my own self, I actually went and pulled out the fabric pieces.

I had pinned the pieces together to this soft prayer book during Leo's surgery. Memories came flooding back and I thought of the irony of all the pins & needles I had stuck in. I'm not usually one to pin my sewing projects very well, I'm not usually that thorough. But this one, there were pins all over the place- transferred, I'm sure from my psyche that day into the fabric of the book. "Learning to Pray". Something I am still learning. Hopefully baby Agnes will be a faster learner than I.

I thought about little Agnes and how beautiful she is, and how I hoped this prayer book would be a nice help for her parents to have her chew on and look at during Mass. I thought about her growing up and what kind of girl she will be.

I had originally planned to sew this book for my newest goddaughter, Madeleine who is now getting older and probably past the soft book stage. But after the surgery, life has just flewn on at a breakneck pace and I feel like I've just had my head down, hand to the plow so to speak. I thought again about Leo and his surgery. Thought about how very much had happened in the last year and a half. Thought about how my husband had also just switched jobs at the time. How he has been thriving. How, despite all the appointments and therapy and work, and the kids and the WORK, we have all been thriving. Leo has been recovering so well.

But I also thought about this video . I thought about how much I have stuffed down just to keep going along, to do my best for my kids, especially Leo at this time. And I thought about all the guilt and unresolved emotions from Leo's birth I had stashed. I don't know if it was the music in the video or the way the little girl's progress was portrayed, but this video, shared by a new firend whose daughter also had a brachial plexus injury at birth, this video got to me. And then I thought about whether it was really better to unleash all those unprobed emotions or to leave them buried...

When Leo was injured at birth, and his arm was paralyzed, limp at his side- I really didn' t think it would last long. I really hoped that in a few months it would be better and then we'd be done with therapy and move on. I had no idea. I know now that we are very lucky with how much he has recovered, but I also now know that therapy is likely to be a part of his life forever. I have felt very much that God had been with us through all this, but watching that video stirred up some things for me in a way that all of a sudden I went from walking on water, trusting, to

drowning. Maybe it's better sometimes to stay on the surface, instead of probling the depths??

Another random thread of a thought...

Then I thought of this post, and I thought about handing over all these fragmented thoughts and emotions and stresses and joys.

And all the while, I sat there sewing things up, ironing things smooth, stitching up the holes left for pages that had to be turned inside out.

And finally, I thought about this article . And I thought how soothed I was and glad that I had decided to stay up later to sew a prayer book for baby A, and to blog this. I thought about how sewing is my extra, and blogging is my extra... but I have a lot of other interests and passions I could call my extra! Maybe I have TOO many extras and that is my whole problem. :) We'll leave that problem for some other night...

yawn. sigh. Goodnight!!