All for naught?

I finally felt as though I turned a real corner, like I finally got it about money and excess spending. I mean, compared to most women, I'm no shopaholic. I don't even like malls or shopping. I shop at resale shops for almost all of the kids clothes, I've frequented Goodwill and thrift shops since high school to supplement my wardrobe, and if it's not from there, it's just Kohls or Target or Old Navy, basically.

But there has always been Target. I am a marketers dream when I walk in that store! Anyhow, my problem was not that I was spending too much compared to other women, it was that I was spending too much compared to what was coming in. And recently, when we hit a financial lowpoint, I actually finally saw clearly and it hit home.

I went into a financial lockdown. I found all sorts of creative ways to get around having to spend money to get to the next paycheck. When that paycheck came I used coupons on double coupon day that corresponded to the store specials that week and got the weekly groceries and stayed within five cents of what I had planned to spend. I took advantage of the aforetold free laminating for teachers to the tune of $150 total free laminating! I got two printer cartridges refilled for free at Walgreens just in time. I picked up a tutoring job and got three more people/groups interested. I made all Barbara's school lunches for the month and bought cheap boxed pudding and jars of applesauce and portioned it into reusable containers. I got Barbara much needed shoes that fit for school , and a birthday gift for Barbara's classmate at Target using the giftcard I was given for my birthday. I'm making Barbara's Halloween costume - she wants to be tinkerbell- by dying her flower girl dress from Marty's wedding to be green and cutting the bottom in triangles, and getting wings at Michaels that are $3 plus I have a 50% off coupon from my mom's newspaper. I sold my elliptical on Craigslist for $300 since I have a treadmill now. I started teaching after school Spanish, and now that 2 more kids added I will make $50 an hour once a week doing that. My brain has literally been on creative overdrive trying to overcome money hurdles: how can I spend the very least and still get done what needs to be done, and how can I find ways to bring in money to cover those unexpected or non-repeating expenses that come up, like $60 for Barbara's 2 milks a day at school.

Despite the extreme stress that money crunches can bring and have been bringing, Robbie and I actually grew closer. My actions were finally showing him that we were in this together. It felt great. I felt like I was a different person, like my brain had switched over. I was no longer confused about what we need vs. what I wanted for us. But I got too cocky. Yesterday after having gone to Target and only buying the shoes and gift for Barbara's friend and paying for it with only my giftcard and not even spending the whole thing, I was SOO proud of myself. I got too comfortable.

Because then came today. I wanted to get a little gift for Katie Collins. I thought a little journal book would be perfect since she is going to Spain to be an au pair, she could write her own "Nanny Diaries", and I had five left on the giftcard so it wouldn't be too much over. But then in the dollar section I noticed an adorable asian print fabric takeout box and little incense and scented candles, and then I bought a bag of polished pebbles to fill it with instead of that crinkly paper, and I threw in a bag of big polished rocks since Jimmy has been carrying around a book that shows you how to paint rocks to look like all different things and we could't find the smooth rounded rocks down by the pond. And then I got an awesome cargo pocket journal, and I thought I should get tennies for Jimmy since his are getting snug and I'd seen adorable ones there yesterday. SO before you know it I spent $32. Not horrible, considering I have almost never walked out of that store for under $50, but not what I had planned on. Then later I had to put $20 of gas in the car on the way to p/u Barbara and go teach Spanish. And the clincher is that on the way home I thought of a teaching book I wanted to get for my Spanish class so I stopped of at the teacher store and walked out with two books and a music CD and stickers for another $32.

Well, Robbie was pissed b/c he had to move money over to cover my little outing and it put us back in the hole. I just felt like all my hard work and efforts had been flushed down the toilet. I can justify all of it, I mean the Spanish stuff is an investment on my starting my own Spanish teaching side biz, and I can write it off on taxes as unreimbursed teacher expenses, Jimmy could use a pair of shoes, blah blah blah. But the thing is, it was not necessary, and it was not in the budget for right now. I have a whole ton of Spanish stuff I can make do with, Jimmy has other shoes. Even when I return it tomorrow, it still won't change it.

But hey, it was a blip on the radar, and I'm just going to get back on track tomorrow. I will not let Robbie's disappointment in me be a reason to feel bad about my efforts. In the long run, I am wining the battle, right? No one can just completely change a habit and expect to never have small setbacks. Hay que perseguir.

Sorry to the one or two people who may actually read this blog, it's just a thought-vent.