Jealousy and Resentment- Not Good Things

I feel angry, and jealous. That Robbie can just go off and play golf with a friend/client without a care. He can just decide to go to the talk in Chicago, hop on a bus, enjoy a nice quiet leisurely ride there and back and not have to feed and entertain three kids. He can sit and listen to a talk uninterrupted, have nice drinks and appetizers afterwards, and get back when the kids are already going down to bed. I feel like I have no choice but to accept 13 hour plus work days (oh and it's not like I'm off the hook once he gets home, I'm the one who has to wake up and feed the baby all night long) as a penalty for my (our) choice to stay home with the kids. I hate feeling dependent like this, and tied down. Right now it's such a big job just to leave the house, and when we do I still have to worry about finding a place to nurse if need be. I haven't been or done anything on my own for weeks, and I won't be able to for months and months if I don't figure out the pumping thing. I HATE the feeling of losing your independence. I don't expect Robbie to NOT do these things, especially if they help his job. I just resent it sometimes. And I am horribly jealous. I miss having my Spanish club, book club, Mom's Nights Out. Heck, I miss doing ANYTHING by myself. Spanish CLub is actually on hiatus for the summer, and book club kind of dissipated although Maggie and Matt are starting a new one with the Ross girls too reading works of JPII . If only I could find a way to read?? Audiobooks would be good. Sorry for the negative post. These are just some long, long days lately.