I have been thinking a lot about the difference between legitimate and healthy self-sacrifice of parents (and mothers in specific) and “martyrdom” not in the true sense of martyrdom which would imply a fully conscious gift of self for a higher purpose, but rather “martyrdom” which out of guilt or obligation is somehow a disordered thing, which brings with it resentment and guilt, and doesn’t achieve the ends which it ostensibly seeks.
Along these same lines, I have also been thinking about the modern “biblical truth” preached by (young) mothers to other (young) mothers: “You must take care of yourself first, otherwise you will not be able to take care of others”. In some ways this seems true, in other ways I believe this is a false truth, similar to the idea that the more children you have, the more your love and attention will have to be divided, when really the converse is true that the more children you have the more your love is multiplied and amplified.
Self-sacrifice: this has come to almost be a dirty word, with a truly negative connotation. Nowadays, the model for parenthood is for parents to be able to continue leading their very active, busy, “productive” lives, without having to slow down or change much just because they had a child. There are a host of products now designed so that a baby can swiftly adapted into a couple’s on-the-go lifestyle without so much as missing a beat. From carseats that pop out wheels and a handle for wheeling through the airport and pop them back in to be strapped into the plane seat http://www.onestepahead.com/catalog/product.jsp?productId=533888&parentCategoryId=85184&categoryId=85218&subCategoryId=86218 , to outdoors equipment made for bringing baby, to entertaining seats and swings and bouncers and gizmos and gadgets to avoid having to hold your baby at all costs.
We now are expected to be able to fit baby into our tight schedules, instead of changing our lives to accommodate a baby. No wonder there is so much postpartum depression when women are set up with unrealistic expectations of what is going to happen and how life is going to be flipped on it’s head and even seem to come to a complete stop for a short while! We see celebrity moms who look like they were never even pregnant weeks after giving birth, and we feel like our own stretch marks and scars are disgusting and shameful, instead of a badge of honor. The more “unmarred” we are by pregnancy and childbirth, the more bragging rights we posess. We’re supposed to be the same as if nothing ever happened.
But something does happen, something big. For nine months, our bodies are literally taken over and made to be a home for another human being. Pregnancy was designed such that we are giving ourselves in self-sacrifice whether we like it or not! The sacrifice of a mother doesn’t go away after birth, in some ways it is more intense, because every necessary sacrifice now becomes a choice, and sometimes this is where the line between sacrifice and “martyrdom” becomes blurred.
In normal circumstances, I think that breastfeeding is an obvious choice, even though it is a sacrifice. There are so many more examples that I would go so far as to say that having kids is ALL ABOUT self-sacrifice. But at what point does it cross over into unhealthy?
I mean I do believe that having my own interests and acivities separate from being a wife and mother is very important as well, for me to keep my balance and to allow the kids to learn independence. It is hard to have gotten to this stage where I am tutoring and going to Spanish club and to Mom’s night’s out pretty frequently, knowing that I will be re-entering that baby stage of being needed more constantly. Now having gone through this with the two kids who were so close together in age, and then having a gap of nearly 4 years, I have the advantage of perspective, to see that it is a relatively short-lived and changing phase when they are so dependent.
So do I believe in the maxim that “You have to take care of yourself first or you won’t be able to take care of others”? Somewhat, but not completely. I think it is a mistake to cut your own personal identity and likes and interests out of the picture when you have kids. That is not healthy, although it seems to happen to many moms naturally at first and you have to regain a new sense of self. If you are not showing enough respect towards your own self, your kids see that too and they learn to see Mom as a doormat or a servant, and they don’t learn that healthy respect of Mom as an individual.
But we don’t have to be scared of sacrifice! I mean, as a Catholic, the crux of our entire faith is sacrifice! We praise and honor soldiers for their self-sacrifice, as we should, yet parents are being given advice that self-sacrifice is disordered, that what we really need is to find self-fulfillment. The irony of it all is that true fulfillment, in my mind, only comes through healthy, freely-chosen self sacrifice.
This is pretty long and rambling as it is. I’ll leave it at that for today and I’d be interested to hear any other opinions.
8 comments:
I totally lack the maturity to discuss breastfeeding with a straight face. I haven't really gotten that concept through to my brain... so are breasts not... sexual?... any more once you're a mom, or what?? That creeps me out. Errogenous zones are not for children. I just don't get it. I mean obviously I know breastfeeding is better for the kids and that's why I want to do it... but that doesn't mean I'm comfortable with it.
I wouldn't consider that to be a sacrifice either: breastfeeding for the babies sake when the whole concept makes my face pucker. I know it's not EXACTLY the sort of thing you're talking about, but physical discomfort or uneasiness is easier to talk about for some reason. I guess I just see the things you're talking about as objectively *right* decisions: you make them based on your responsibilities, values, information you have, and consequences of which you're aware. If sacrifice, or discomfort or even pain are by-products of a RIGHT decision... well fuck me. (I wasn't really cursing right there.. it was "artistic cursing".) I dunno, I guess I just don't think it really matters, and all those sissies putting pressure on you to be one thing or another need to get their butts kicked. You sacrifice all you want for your kids, and don't feel guilty if you need a break now and then. Balance, right? Anyways. I hope that made sense I totally started rambling... I haven't slept more than an hour or two at a time in days...
You are so funny! "breasts are not sexual... any more once your a mom"
Well, I'd say it's backwards here in the U.S. because breasts were actually DESIGNED for lactation and feeding children. We have sexualized them. I mean, what about the African women who walk around with no tops so they can nurse easily and none of their guys seem to really care.
That being said, and, um, I don't want to say too much here b/c guys might read this, they can still be errogenous zones for couples yet nursing your baby does NOT feel sexual, believe me. It feels like the antithesis of it sometimes, with the leaking and so on and so forth.
I think you're on to something about the "Big" decisions. You should just do what you need to do for those big things, regardless of the inconvenience, and then on the smaller stuff just chill out and go for balance. But not everyone agrees on what is the best thing for children on the big issues. It's a huge heated debate, the "mommy-wars" as they call it, and relativism reigns. Many people think it doesn't matter either way if you breastfeed or bottlefeed. Many people think it doesn't make a difference one way or another if a child has one parent stay home with them when they are young.
I think I didn't really explain myself very well in my post but basically I just was sick of hearing that it doesn't matter what you choose. Nobody has been saying anything to me about what I'm doing, I was mostly referring to people yapping on MilwaukeeMoms (darn that website- I should stop going to it) and also the thing with SIL
Again, perhaps I am not in a right place to discuss this because like mags, i also think the word breast is still funny.
However, I believe that being a mom (stay at home or working) is all about sacrifice. Having kids is a HUGE deal and people who are not ready to give entirely of themselves to their new precious gift are not ready to be parents. We as children dont always understand the lengths that our parents go to and we wont fully understand until it happens to us. But in order to get to that point, the parents need to focus soley on their children for at least the first formative years. I feel its one of those things that takes a great effort and sacrifice but the results will make you infinitely more happy. I see many young moms who are all about "me-time" especially here in the city where moms have such activities like disco night or whatever so they can spend time with just their husbands. Yes, its important to not lose the bond/relationship you have with your husband but if both parents actively take a role in raising the children, it becomes sort of project that the two of you do together, therefore strengthing the bond between yourselves and your child. I think too often the husbands work so much that the moms get overwhelmed and feel they need such a thing as "me-time." I am not against moms taking a break...God knows I'll relish those moments when I have a break...I just think its a sickening trend in our culture to be selfish. As for the whole breastfeeding vs. formula solution well, I was raised on formula and I wish I had been able to breastfeed because then maybe I wouldnt think the word breast was funny. Or maybe I am just immature. Haha.
Katie, you said what I was really thinking a lot better I think. Obviously I have no problem with getting a break and finding balance, it's just the overemphasis on "ME-TIME" - that's exactly the catch phrase- that bugs me. Maybe I am critical because I DO get enough breaks, and I do have a husband who works with me and doesn't just try to take for himself. I get to get out usually 3 nights a week. (Not when I was nursing, but now). I should also say that I don't fault working moms or think that they don't sacrifice. I know a lot of them have to sacrifice more than I do because you've got to do what you've got to do to get by. I do also know for a fact that there are MANY moms who work because they just want to and don't even need to and will tell you that straight up - those ones bug me.
All that being said, I voted for "Jump in the car and bring the boots" not in relation to this post... but because I'm assuming you're talking about my darling neice, and as her aunt I want to spoil her.
That and mom never would have done that for me. I was happy if she showed up to get me within 30 minutes of school getting out.
So I wouldn't make it a habit- but just that once you could bring 'em, huh? For SURE don't buy another pair though. That's too extravagant of a "solution" and no good (like letting your kids know you love them by helpin' them out with the forgetfulness, or teaching them responsibility by not bringing them) comes of it. Basically, I think it depends on where your relationship is at with that kid. If they're already feelin' a little down I'd bring 'em, if not, then I wouldn't and I'd let them learn. But she's my neice not my daughter. So bring them.
Actually, I opted to not bring them. Because I know Barbara and I know she can be spaced out in her own little world, and b/c I also know it usually takes only one time with a consequence for her to remember and change her behavior the next time. So I decided to set a precedent that mom is not going to just run back and forth to school to bring things b/c if she thinks that, she will totally be lazy about taking responsibility. But now when I remind her "don't forget your boots" she'll think "oh yeah! I forgot my boots that other time and I didn't get to play in the snow!" and run and get them.
Also, judging by the way she said indignantly to me on the way to the car, "Mo-om, you forgot my boots today!" I think she deserved to learn the lesson that, um no Barbara, YOU forgot your boots.
Yeah, she's only 5 and I know I'll have to keep reminding her all the time to bring her boots and backpack etc., and if she forgets again I'll probably bring them, but I wanted there to be a precedent set because Barbara usually learns well from them.
P.S. I only put the buy a new pair b/c I wanted to have at least 3 options. I had already made my decision before I posted the poll, I just want to know what other people would do. :)
As a mom I know you're probably right.
But as an aunt, I hugely protest. :)
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