Tough questions

Here is a truncated version of some of the conversations I had with Barbara yesterday evening:

(Josh Groban Christmas C.D. is playing in the background, the song "I'll Be Home for Christmas" with snippets interspersed of armed forces personnel wishing Christmas greetings to their families and vice-versa.)

BB: What are those people saying?

Me: They're saying Merry Christmas to their families who are far away.

BB: Why are they far away from their families?

Me: Well, because they are in the Army, like Maggie's boyfriend Noah who's in the army.

BB: What is the Army?

Me: Well, it's where good people from our country go to learn to fight the bad people who would try to hurt our country.

BB: FIGHT?

Me: Yes, usually we don't ever want to fight people, but well, what would Daddy have to do if some bad people came to our house?

BB: I don't know.. (looking worried now)

Me: Well, usually Daddy would never fight someone, but if a bad person came he would fight them to protect us and keep us safe.

BB: Are the bad people coming to our house????

Me: NO!! No, I was talking about the people in the army fighting bad people way far away in other countries, across the ocean like where Noah is.

BB: But can those bad people come to our country? On a boat??

Me: Well, usually those kind of people don't really like other countries, they just like to stay in their own country.

BB: Oh, they're stuck on their country! (laughs)

Me: laughs and says nothing!

BB: Yeah, there are no bad people in the whole Milwaukee.

Me: kind of make an approving noise but don't flat out say yes.

At this point she stops asking questions but says she needs to go rest on the sofa. I peek in on her in a minute or two and she is staring off, obviously a bit worried and I can see the gears turning in her little head a mile a minute.

Me: Barbara, are you still thinking about it? (she nods) Are you feeling worried?

BB: Well, a little. (obviously a lot)

me: What are you worried about?

BB: The bad people.

By now I have realized that Barbara is just like me with a very vivid imagination. So I try to think of what would help me, and I think of humor. So this is what I tell her:

Me: Barbara, can you imagine a bad guy, and now imagine something really goofy and funny that he is wearing or doing.

BB: (starts busting out laughing) Mommy! I'm imagining a bad guy wearing a ballerina tutu and dancing around!

We both laugh and she starts to think of more and more and more funny things that bad guys would be doing. I heave a sigh of relief that maybe I've found a good skill for her to use to squelch her fears. I'm embarrassed to say I only learned how to do this in the last couple years!

But here's another tough one. Later that night after her Christmas concert and she was really tired, I was tucking her in bed. She asked if I could stay with her. i told her I had to go send out Christmas cards but I'd home back in to cuddle with her. She grabbed on tight to my neck and started crying. "Mommy" she cried, "I just love you so much!" I knew from her tone something was wrong, and then I realized what this was about. "I just want you to stay with me forever," she croaked out, still fighting back tears, and then she just broke out sobbing. "Ohhhhhh...." I said, "Are you worried about Mommy leaving you?" "yes" she whispered. "Are you thinking about this because of Abby's mommy?" "Uh huh" she replied, still crying. I told her that I wasn't going anywhere, that I will be with her for a long long time and she doesn't have to worry about me going anywhere.

Since her classmate Abby's mom died last week she has been just full of questions about dying, sickness, death, heaven, and I mean the toughest questions to answer. I have always believed in being honest with your kids and giving them only as much as they ask for, but sometimes I think children need to be protected in a sense too, from their own inability to grasp a frightening concept. I remember clearly when I was in gradeschool seeing a TV show I shouldn't have, one of those Americas most wanted type dramatizations about a teen who raped and the man was standing over her as she lay in a ditch, smoking a cigarette. This, obviously, really bothered me and I remember telling my Dad about it later. He told me he couldn't ever 100% guarantee that something like that would not happen, but that he would do everything in his power to prevent something like that from happening and to keep me safe and that there were things I could do to be smart, like note walking on a rural road alone at night like that girl. The only thing that I really heard, however, was "I can't guarantee this won't happen to you" which in my young mind translated into "this will probably happen to you at some point and there's nothing I can do about it." My Dad was just trying to be honest, but I think at that moment, more than the FULL truth, I needed a bigger portion of protection and a reassurance of security. Maybe I'm overanalyzing.

In any case, it's really tough to know what to say about these kinds of questions. To give them the truth, but also a sense of security, and to help teach them the skills to know how to make themselves feel better.